Shelby @ 5 months

Shelby turned 5 months old on the 29th of Nov. 

I keep forgetting and not taking the time to blog about her growth or what she is up to so I will make this quick, just so I have something to look back on.

Shelby weights 13 lbs

I am not sure of her height right now but in comparison to Michael, Shelby is way short, ha.

Her thighs are gettin CHUNKY and her feet are getting round both on top and bottom. I just want to squeeze those thighs. Haha.

Michael was very slim and long and still is that way

and Shelby is just a petite lil cutsie pie

She eats rice cereal twice a day and has two to three 4 oz bottles during the day and one 6 oz

She rolls over onto her tummy and screams when I roll her back onto her back, but only likes to tolerate tummy time for so long, weird

She smiles, CONSTANTLY and loves her brother and watches anything and everything he is doing (Not to sure that is a good thing)

Her giggles are amazing 

Going into the car seat is her FAV. She has such a curious personality(just like her mama) and loves seeing new scenery.

She is right on track and is one happy and for the most part healthy baby

She has two issues concerning her health 

1) She has a very narrow nasal passage and so it's hard for her nose to drain. So she is always plugged up. While a church the other day a woman talked to me after service and told me about this nifty device that saved her life when her kids were plugged up. She told me those blue bulbs are uncomfortable and they hurt, but the nose frida is not invasive and super easy to use. I am ordering one to see how it works, and I hope it works :)

Shelby's 2nd issue is that she has a Labial Adhesion.

It means the inner lips of her vagina, her labia minora, have become stuck together. The area that's joined may be just a small section, or it may be extensive. This happens to about 2% of girls up to the age of six in the US, and while the condition can be unsettling for parents, in most cases it's nothing to worry about. 

Shelby has just a small section that is stuck together, so she is still able to urinate and has no discomfort. Right now there is no treatment needed and it will correct itself over time. However if it were to seal completely then the treatment would be to apply estrogen cream over the area and that would separate the skin,

There are many different causes for this. The most common is the estrogen in the body that has kept the skin separated is not longer there, thus making the skin fuse together. Other reasons are having a constant wet diaper, bath irritation, fabric cleaner irritation, or have been sexually abused. 

So the plan of treatment for Shelby is nothing right now, because she really is fine. I am switching her baths to just her being bathed with water and it draining out right away so she won't be sitting in water. I have been trying to change her diaper every hour to make sure she is nice and dry. I will be changing the laundry detergent to an all natural, with no fragrance. So for now that's all I can do, and just watch it to make sure it doesn't fuse together any more. 

Emotions Run Deep

Today I attended my weekly MOMS group. 

I was super excited to go since I hadn't been in a month due to the little ones being sick.

I was greeted with smiles 

I dropped Michael off in the kidzone and he took off running, no crying, he was so eager to play

When MOMS started today the room was full of laughter and smiles

Then the speaker began to tell her story and instantly the room was no longer happy

We were listening to a story filled with so much pain that many of us were fighting back tears.

My stomach had a knot feeling after our speaker was finished 

Then about 15 girls walked across the stage 

1 at a time

Each holding a cardboard sign

Each sign confessing abuse, rape, depression, infertility, etc.

On the back confessing truth, hope, faith, light, freedom, heeling, and wisdom that god has granted them

Each sign was so powerful in so little words

I couldn't fight the tears

I felt so blessed to be a part of something so powerful

To witness these brave women confess their past in front of a group of women that most of them hardly know

Each table group went to their separate rooms after for discussion time

The discussion questions were very intense

One related to the speaker and what her story and point of story were about

One asked if we felt like God loved us for who and how we are, flaws and all.

The one that really hit me hard was when we felt God helped guide us through, or come out of a difficult trials or traumatic times

I related this to when my parents split up

I guess I had been living with fog goggles on cause I thought our family was perfect and happy

after my parents split, my mom left

there were a lot of anger and lies

my dad was so hurt as was I

and I blamed myself for a long time

at 16 I went on a self destructive path

I partied hard, did a lot of stupid things I shouldn't have, and am so lucky nothing bad ever happened because of my behavior

Then at 20 I was introduced to Sean, my husband

I was calming down with all my craziness but it was still there

Sean became a part of that craziness, but the unexpected happened

He started pulling me in the right direction. 

And when I started pushing, He buried his feet. He was there to stay and he wasn't going anywhere

I had so much foundation growing up and when it was gone in an instant, and how much pain that gave me, I never EVER wanted to feel that pain ever again

That's why I pushed

but I truly feel deep in my heart that Sean was my gift. Gods way of telling me to slow down. That it's time to be happy again.

Expressing little detail to my moms group about my parents separation stirred up emotion in me that I didn't know still existed. 

I was fighting the tears. I didn't want to lose control.

but in the car the knot got tighter and the pain deepened and so I cried

I didn't know why I was crying, I didn't know what I was feeling

all I knew was that my emotions were stronger than ever

When I finally called Sean to talk to him about it he asked me why I was crying. I told him I didn't know but when I discussed my parents I began to cry again.

I guess I felt like I was over what had happened. I had moved on.

But discussing it with girls I hardly know opened that door back up, and released feelings I thought didn't exist. 

I guess I am still hurt, and still angry, and still sad

because I never dealt with my emotions

I hid them and did everything I could to numb them

I can't believe in just two short hours, this all came out of me, but I am glad it did. I know I need to start healing, properly, and continue moving forward. 

Lots-O-Coos

Are you done yet?

Are you done yet?

Meaning are you done having kids yet

This question has been brought up many many times by doctors, friends, family and between us

"You have one of each, your good, you should be done"

Is a common response why we shouldn't have anymore

Well truth is I really don't know if we are done yet.

I want to say yes but then there is a HUGE part of me that says no

The part that says yes is telling my mind that I didn't think I would have children in the first place, now I have been giving TWO, so be happy with what I have and be done.

The no part of me is the feeling I have of not being complete yet.

It's a 50/50

Shelby was not planned AT ALL. I cried and cried when I found out I was pregnant with her. The only people that were excited were my husband and friend Cresap.

After Michael my husband and I planned on having more kids someday, but further down the road. 

I wanted to loose weight badly, I did not want to put my body through another high risk pregnancy just because of my weight.

I wanted to be financially stable and in a bigger place.

BUT

God had other plans for me. 

Now that Shelby is here I am thrilled that she is a part of our family. I could not imagine us without her. She is the perfect little "Diva" addition.

With that being said, if we were to have anymore I am going to do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again until WE are ready. I am thinking 5 years minimum waiting period.

Here on some people I know/watch and their reasons for being done, or having more

My friend Cresap has two children of her own and her boyfriend 3. So between them 5. They are done having kids

My friend Nikki has 2 children. They would love a 3rd but financially they are comfortable and bringing a 3rd into this world would be tight

My parents had just the two of us. My brother being an extremely difficult baby pulled the plug on thoughts of having any more for them.

Everybody has their own reasons for having one, two, three or more children and everyone has their reasons for only having one or two, maybe none at all.

Another example would be the reality family of the Duggars. They are now on the road to having 20 children. They believe it is in gods hands when they will be finished having children.

*and just for fun*

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar's oldest son

 Josh was married to Anna on 

September 26, 2008

My husband and I were married August 09, 2008

Josh and Anna welcomed their first Child on

October 8, 2009, a girl

My husband and I welcomed our first child on

October 14, 2009, a boy named Michael James

Josh and Anna welcomed their second child on 

June 15, 2011 a boy named Michael James

My husband and I welcomed our second child on

June 29, 2011, a girl

I know it's silly but I also think it's interesting

Thoughts

I don't know how many times I have posted about wanting to leave this drafty lil apartment of ours but here is yet another one to add to the books. There are two adults and two children living in this tiny 2 bedroom apartment. Including 1 large dog and 2 cats. It only has one bathroom that literally is only big enough for one person; big or small(sink on left, toilet straight ahead, and bathtub/shower on the right). I am over this. I am over that our home is so old that we have to make sure the a/c or heater is plugged in through the kitchen because the whole home is almost entirely wired on one single circuit and the fuse pops almost all the time! I am over my husband having to use his precious time home to tend to a yard we share with our neighbors, which includes picking up their 2 dogs droppings. 

I would love to have an updated home. Someplace I don't have to worry about the sockets being loose. 

But I do need to say this, because I posted on F/B a few days ago where I need to try and have more glass half full kinda moments, well here it is

I am truly grateful we have a place to live

I am thankful we have two rooms

I am thankful we have a yard, that our dog and son can play in

I am thankful we have a laundry room

I am thankful we have a dishwasher

I am thankful that this was the first place that my husband and I have called HOME

I am blessed that we brought two children into this world from this home

Well I think we have a game plan now. Far to often my husband and I have discussed moving to Ohio. I think it's time we put those plans in motion. 

As you know my husband is a truck driver. Living in Ohio would open the doors greatly in the trucking world.  And on top of that, it would allow my husband and brother to drive together as a team. The other plus side of that would be living close to my dad. I would have tremendous support with the kids and wouldn't be so lonely while my husband is away. I would also be able to go to school or work and have childcare. I am also contemplating just living with my dad for a little bit. That way I wouldn't have to pay rent on a home, except some bills I would be taking over at my dads. We would also be able to save up money and pay off our debts and then finally save money to use as a down payment for a home to call our own. 

Also another upside to this would being near my father as support as he was just diagnosed with skin cancer. He had a spot on his back that they were able to remove, non surgical. But there is a  spot on the tip of his nose that requires surgery. They are going to remove a layer at a time and biopsy each layer until they find it to by non cancerous. I am hoping that they do not have to go to deep and I am also praying that this be a controllable cancer. 

These are all just thoughts, random. But I am hoping that we are able to put these thoughts to concrete. That's all for now

WHY!?!?

Things just seem to get harder when my husband leaves for ones of his trips

Don't get me wrong though, I am very thankful he works as hard as he does so I can stay home with the kiddos, but it isn't easy and sometimes I just gotta get it off my chest

Today for instance:

Michael woke up shortly after my husband left so about 730 ish. This is after a long night of pulling teeth trying to get him to go to bed, so I was running on empty.

He usually will come into my bed and sit there until Shelby and I get up but oh no, he decided he was going to run loose in the house and get into EVERYTHING.

Well I got up and made us breakfast and then went and woke Shell's up and got her ready and fed. 

Things were smooth sailing for a while.

 Michael ran and played and then took a nice long nap before 3 which excited me (I THOUGHT since he took such a long nap before 3 he would be EXHAUSTED by bed time, HA)

Bed time came and went and he screamed bloody murder. I finally threw my hands up and allowed him to sit in the living room in the chair and watch cars. It was quiet time and he had to sit still.

Yep that lasted about 15 minutes

He was up and down, back and forth into the Kitchen

with me snapping at him to go sit back down

and then the cat decided she was going to join in on these lovely evening festivities

She jumped onto the Entertainment center and hacked up her meal all down the backside of the EC

So then I had to move everything around to get to the mess, get that wiped up and sanitized and then vacuumed, meanwhile Michael is turning the vacuum on and off and when it's on he started jumping around screaming with excitement

THAT'S IT

I got my stern voice and Michael was in bed. It's so hard for me to be that stern but that is how my husband is and Michael listens to him, and it usually only takes my Husband once to tell Michael to do something.

Ugh

It has just been a day of ups and downs, dealing with all the craziness while trying to get myself and these two children better. 

Playtime with Shelby

Just Us, Picture Blog

My feel better soon flowers

The kids with their daddy

The kids and I

My happy girl

My sleepy boy 

This is Michael when he was not feeling to good

Michael asleep in his daddy's lap

to pierce or not to pierce

Lately more and more people have been asking us if we are going to pierce Shelby's ears

She is 4 months old, and the later we wait the harder it will be

I love earrings on little babies & want to pierce her ears, and Sean is all for it

Here are the things that are preventing me from doing it

1) The thought of her when she is older asking us "Why didn't you wait to give me the choice?"

 &

2) I am allergic to copper, silver, anything not GOLD pretty much. I am worried that I may have passed that to Shelby and don't want to put her through that process if she is going to have a reaction. I also know that I can have her ears pierced with 14k earrings which would prevent the reaction if she were to have one. 

So here I am at a crossroads

I think I am going to eventually, maybe by Christmas

I do know that if I were to wait until she made the choice herself I would be more than willing to let her do it. My mother hated the thought of having wholes in the body and would not let my get my ears done until I was 16, thus bringing me to want to get my daughters done soon. 

Halloween 2011

We reused Michael's costume from last year. He never went out last year, and the outfit still fit him so why not reuse it? He was a lion and Shelby was some sort of pink leopard/cat. 

We started our eve at 4:30. We went to our next door neighbors and Michael did his very first trick or treat. He of coarse did not understand and wanted to keep taking candy. HA. I put out a bowl of candy and turned on our lights, turned the lights on in the pumpkins and drove to my moms. Michael got to treat or treat at my moms and she gave him glow bracelets which he loved. After that we headed out to washougal to see our friends, Shawna, Erik, and their son Gabriel. Mike and Gabriel played while we waited for Shawna's sister Nikki, her husband Kon, and their kids, Paris and Alexa to arrive. 

The kids (L-R, Gabriel 2, Alexa 5, Shelby 4 months, Paris 10, and Michael 2)

We then drove out to lacamas lake and did our trick or treating there. The neighborhood was really nice and a lot of the homes decorated for the big night. A few had really outdone themselves.

Paris and I

While we were approaching one home this kid came out and started dancing in the street. He had a robot face, gold stretch pants, and was spray painted gold. I knew right away it was one of the dancers from the group LMFAO. The kid had a friends holding a boombox blasting music so he could dance, and he wasn't that bad. He put on a good show.

We stayed out for over and hour. I had felt Shelby's hands and 

they were ice cold so we headed back to the cars. We then went back to Shawna's and finished the night off with pizza and hocus pocus while the kids all played. It was a great way to spend the Holiday and was a great day.  

My favorite

Check Ups

Today Shelby and Michael both had their well child check up's

here are the stats: 

Michael

95% height

73% Weight

Shelby

12 lbs 5oz 

25% height

Michael is very tall for his age and Shelby is very petite 

The doc thought it was funny that Michael was and is so much bigger than Shelby.

Both of the kids got shots; Michael only one and Shelby had 2(one in each leg) and 1 drinkable dose. 

I was not happy with how Shelby's shots were handled. I had both kids with me and both are not feeling well so I as a mom wanted to hold my daughter while she got her shots. The nurse wouldn't allow me, she insisted I lay her on the table. Then she went to do her leg shots first and I asked her to do the oral first and she replied that she did the legs first and then the oral. I knew what would happen and sure enough it did. She poked Shelby in both leg and my poor sick girl was screaming and crying and then had a syringe lodged in her mouth with liquid being forced into her mouth while the nurse's other hand was massaging her neck trying to get her to drink the fluid. I was livid. It's too late now but these are my kids and I can't let people walk over me just because they have a degree. Had she done the oral dose first my baby would have happily sucked that fluid down, no problem. 

Notice Anything?

Notice anything?

Look closer

Yep, One Blue Eye, One Brown

I told my husband about it tonight and he said that he had known her eyes were like that for a while.

 He thought I knew, but I didn't.

He told me his moms eyes are like that, but only what she is upset.

Shelby was so happy when these were taken.

I wonder if they will stay this way,

and honestly, I hope they do. 

Peacock

While eating lunch at the Seattle zoo, birds started to swarm us. They were literally all around us and mainly black birds. Freaky. Well my brother got the bright idea to throw sandwich meat to these birds. Then it was a game with him to feed one bird in particular. This one black bird was very slow when trying to get the food, so the other birds would swoop in and snatch it before the bird got anywhere near it. Well after this went on for a while this peacock walked up. I don't know if you have ever heard a peacock before but for as pretty as they are, they sure make the ugliest sounds. It sounded like a car horn, in a wreck, under water, that was going through puberty kinda noise, ha. Well that peacock kept inching closer and closer and was an arms reach away from Michael. I was freaking out, I didn't want that bird to peck my son. I tried to shoo it away but no luck, it was not afraid. Well what does my brother do to get this bird to move? He made a sandwich scrap trail! The peacock followed the trail until he ate every last crumb and turned right back around and headed our way! Ugh. So my brother repeated the trail process while I packed us up and we went on our merry way, leaving our scraps for the birds :)

Ah-Mine(Airplane)

We had Michael's B-Day party on Saturday the 15. 

I chose to have it at officers row next to the playground because of it's location near the airfield and airport

I woke up early and had breakfast and got everything ready to go.

Sean loaded up the car for me and away I went to go get the cake and food

I was praying that the picnic shelter was available for use the whole way there and when I arrived I was finally able to breath a sigh of relief, the shelter was indeed available.

It was cold and overcast when I arrived being even more thankful we had walls and shelter from the cold and rain if it were to occur. 

My mom met me there and helped set everything up.

I set up the food table while my mom's task was putting the airplane's together and then blowing up a giant beach ball.

Sean got there with the kids and our friends and family arrived shortly after. 

Michael took to the Giant beach ball right away and the kids went out into the field and ran after the ball. The wind had picked it up more than once so my friend Nikki ran after it. It was a sight. 

We went inside and had treats and then tried to open presents. 

Michael opened 2 maybe 3 and was so over it so we all went outside and played at the playground since the sun decided to come out. 

The guys flew the airplanes around

We went back in and sang happy birthday and had cake, then tried to open more presents but it didn't happen.

All in all I am happy with the turnout, and especially happy that everyone enjoyed themselves. I am happy Michael had a good time, and was able to release so much of his balled up energy.

The funny part was that with all the airplanes coming and going, Michael was so focused on everything else that he didn't even notice the Ah-Mine's!

He's Two!!

Michael turned 2 on Friday the 14

(We bought Michael a kitchen set and I tried setting that up by myself so he could wake up to it in his room but there were too many pieces and it was late, so that project was left for daddy :)

Michael woke up and I sang happy birthday to him, the sprout version is still his favorite

I got him dressed and then fed Shelby, got her dressed and we were out the door at 8:30.

I picked my brother up and we headed for the Seattle zoo and aquarium - Point Defiance

I wanted to take Michael where there were fish, because he loves them. We thought about going to the Oregon coast aquarium but decided against it. I had never been to the S.Z.&A so it was a first for all of us.

When we got up to Seattle we were following directions via garmin and my brother kept asking me if I typed in the right address. I had found the zoo address in the garmin, it had to be right, right? We were turning into neighborhoods. Lots of houses. It kept getting more and more dense with houses and we were about to turn around when I turned right and there was woods! We turned into the woods and wound up at the zoo. Crazy.

We got the kids out and hiked down to the entrance. The stroller route took forever, long switchbacks. At one point we looked over and there was a peacock just chillin next to a car. I thought that was so neat. As a kid going to the Portland zoo they used to have peacocks roaming around, then got rid of them. So it just brought back some neat memories. We went through the gates and looked ahead and the view was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Beautiful view of the bay. I looked at my brother and said "I am so excited" HA! My brother laughed at me. 

We started with the wolves, then it was an artic fox, polar bears, and then these funny looking birds, otters and then the seals and walruses! We looked at the seals underwater viewing area and I was like oh my gosh look, to the right were the 2 giant walruses. It was so majestic watching these giant creatures glide through the water. Michael was in complete aww. Running back and forth from the seals to the walruses. Then the walruses started to Mate and all of the sudden this little boy, must have been 8 or so yells "Oh my gosh, they're doin it, DAD they're mating, oh my gosh, I have to go tell my dad" and he runs off. Jake and I were cracking up and we could hear the dad say, "Oh I am sure it just loves taps, they're just playing." Then he comes in to find, walla. He says "Oh well that's just nature, its natural for them." You could so tell the dad wasn't prepared for that. We kept walking and were able to witness the spotted leopard cubs playing the their pin together for the first time. The zookeepers were in the pin taking photos and video to document. It was cool it be able to witness that. We then went and had lunch which is a story all it's own, I'll post a separate blog about that. We toured the monkeys and tiger pens. Then it was elephants and then the aquarium. Michael loved it. He sat next to my brother and just watched the fish swim. It was so neat watching him in aww over the fish. We went and road the merry-go-round and left the zoo.

I cooked Michael a cheese ravioli dinner and Sean made it home. We sang happy birthday again and gave Michael a chocolate cupcake which he took his time with. Def. a lot less messy then last year :)

Michael headed to bed and Sean set up Michael's kitchen which he woke up to Saturday morning and took to it right away.  

Jumanji

I had to blog about this because it hit so close to home. My dad lives in Zanesville, OH. A little under 2 miles away from where this all went down.

On Tuesday eve the Zanesville PD received calls from neighbors that animals were roaming the yard at this animal compound. When the Police arrived they saw numerous animals roaming the field and discovered the deceased body of the owner.

The police determined that the owner had been very depressed. He had just been released from prison and came home to find that he wife had left him and that all of the animals were in very deplorable conditions. They feel like he had a breaking point, that's when he released all the animals and cut their pens, then took his own life.

There was warning signs on the highway warning passerby of exotic animals. One female lion was hit on the freeway. There were a total of 56 animals that had been released and sadly 49 of those lost their lives. 6 animals were captured and sent to the Columbus Zoo. 1 grizzly bear, 2 monkeys, 3 leopards including 1 black leopard. There was one monkey that was still on the loose but today it was confirmed that the monkey had been eatin by one of the other animals. When the carnage was over, 49 animals were slaughtered, including 18 Bengal tigers, 17 lions, six black bears, a pair of grizzlies, three mountain lions, two wolves and a baboon.

I am saddened that many animals had to loose their lives but am so grateful that not one human lost theirs. This situation could have ended much worse. I was extremely afraid because my dad lives so close to that compound and animals were spotted at far away as 5 miles. So with my dad only being 2 away, it scared me. His house sits on the back side of a heavily wooded area and easily could have been a hiding ground for some of those animals. 

Curls

Little Shelby's hair is getting long, and she is getting some wave, volume and curls! I am just giddy about this because my hair is awful. I hate my hair. It's stick straight and will not hold any curl/wave(no matter how much teasing or product I use). Michael has my lovely stick straight hair, very feathery. Shelby however has got it all. I am so excited to see how it will be when her hair fills out and becomes thicker. I am excited to be able to play with my little girls hair!  

She has more curl on the left side. It's a complete curl of the left, lots of volume up top, and just a little bitty flip on the right :) 

trouble-some twos

I do not want to call it the terrible two's, because I know what I am going through with my 2 year old can get worse, and more than likely will. I just need to get this out here, so I can look back months from now and laugh at how stressed this moment in time made me, and think that this moment was just a walk in the park. 

This eve, Michael and I went by ourselves on a trip to the grocery. It was much needed munchkin and mommy time. I thought before we left that this was going to be great, and fun. I even ditched the diaper bag and brought an actual purse which felt so nice. We got to the store and everything was fine and dandy. I unhooked Mike from his seat and he walked to the door and waited for me to get there. He held my hand and we walked through the parking lot and then up he went into the cart. For about 10 minutes things were going great, then out of nowhere he started to yell "hey". He enjoys hearing his echo so he just got louder and louder. I tried to get him to quiet down and then he started yelling "no" Once I finally got him to settle down with the yelling he then decided he was going to start kicking me, and pushing me away from the cart. Not only was he kicking, but pinching too and hard! I have no idea where he learned how to pinch, and tonight was the first time he had ever done that. After that it was a steady flow from kicking, yelling, pinching until we finally got to the checkout and this is when I lost my battle with him. Everything I had placed on the check stand he reached over and so lovingly brushed off onto the floor. One by one I picked it all up and checked out and we left the store. 

Once we were at the car, I asked Michael if he had enjoyed himself as he made it very difficult to run our errands. We are working on our manors so I was trying to get him to say he was sorry for acting out. Then these people walked by and saw me asking my two year old to apologize and I immediately felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand, almost as if I were doing something wrong, although I was not. I need to realize that I am a parent, that I have children, and discipline will have to occur in public and I can't shy away from it just because people stare. I just have a feeling that this little incident is minute to the future that awaits our growing two year old. 

"It will change your life"

I posted this on FB but it really touched me and I wanted to blog it. Being a mom is truly the most precious gift in the world. 

We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations." But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her.

I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by Motherhood.

She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years -- not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter's hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from God . . . that of being a Mother.

3 months old (Shelby)

My sweet little shells is 3 months old

Here is what she is up:

She sucks on her fingers constantly making the cutest noises

She smiles, A LOT

She coos and ca's and is almost giggling

Her favorite place to sleep in laying on her tummy on my chest

she really hasn't taken to her paci lately

she eats 4oz about every 4 hours

size 1 diaper, size 0-3 clothes width wise but length wise will be in 3-6 soon. 

She enjoys bath time but is not in love with drying off, she screams every time

She recognizes faces which warms my heart to the core. When I see her face light up when she sees her daddy it just melts me. I love it.

She makes so many faces and my favorite is her scrunch face, its kinda like "are you serious?!?" kinda look

She scoots downward which is making me quite nervous for the next stage in her life, rolling over and then crawling! YIKES

She holds her head up like a champ but she throws her self back when you try to hold her in a sitting position

She is addicted to staring at the ceiling, lights, picture frames, and the ceiling fan.

Her absolute favorite thing in her teddy bear mobile. She will squeal with delight when we turn in on for her and she will just babble and stare until it stops. Then she gets cranky until we turn it back on and the process repeats itself until she finally falls asleep.

&

She sleeps from about midnight to 8/9ish

Pictures and video to follow soon :) 

The life of a trucker's wife

This is a complete ramble and I am just venting my thoughts, kinds like in a journal. I am just saying what pops into my mind as I type so it's going to be all over the place, and it may get boring 

I am so grateful that my husband works as hard as he does that I am able to stay home.

When it was just us, and I had also been working the income was great, but then I lost my job, and it was just him. I planned of returning to some form of work after taking a break, but then I got pregnant, and stay at home mom became my full time job. Now my husband works non stop. He is only home 1 full day a week and maybe if we are lucky, get to spend 2 nights together. 

He is working so hard to make sure our kids have everything they need which I couldn't be more grateful for. 

Him being gone is extremely difficult at times, well let's be honest, almost all the time. I have good days where I am OK but then I have really bad/hard days where I just need to breath. In a recent blog I had said that I hardly go anywhere and that is so very true. I am at home, just the kids and I, all day everyday. I do it all, all week long, 24/7 and there is no break. No help. 

I do realize I knew what I was getting myself into, yes I signed up for this, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. 

I have recently started having my mom come over once a week to do dinner and a movie with me and that has helped somewhat. Sometimes my brother will stay the night. When he is there, he can just be playing his games and I will be able to do things around the house. It just feels good having someone else there.

My foster brother Zac recently received his Class A CDL license and I am extremely proud of him. He was hired on to a major trucking co. right out of truck driving school. My husband drove him down to LA a little over a month ago so he could start training with his new co. During that drive to LA him and my husband made plans and a new chapter may be starting very soon in our lives.

They plan on doing team driving together. Zac needs to get 6 months experience before they can do that giving my husband the time he needs to get his tanker and hazmat endorsements. Once they start driving together, my husband will be gone for weeks at a time.

I am at a crossroads whether we should stay in Vancouver or not. My mom lives in town as does my brother but we hardly see each other. Well just Friday's and that is just as of recently. We thought about moving to Spokane to be closer to my husbands parents where I know I would have the help and support I needed. There just isn't a lot of trucking opportunities in Spokane. We have also reconsidered moving to Ohio where my dad and stepmother live. I would be able to go there whenever I needed, and have a place to go to and relax. Ohio is also a MAJOR trucking hub and there are tons of jobs in the trucking world out there. I would love to be in Ohio near my dad. I miss him so much. My dad and I have a special kind of relationship. We are not super close by any means but it's an unspeakable bond that holds us together. My brother and him have that same kind of relationship. 

My mom lives in town. I love her, I get along with her, but I don't see her that much. She deals with a lot of her own issues that she battles with everyday. Leaving her would be hard but we would still be able to talk on the phone. My dilemma with leaving my mom, is my son. He adores my mom. I never see  him smile so big as when she comes around. He screams her names and its just all laughs. It breaks my heart inside thinking about taking him away from her, and my heart breaks for my mom. She loves him, and he alone has brought out happiness in her that neither my brother or I could. 

I just don't know whether to stay for my mom and son. Or to leave to better our lives financially. This is a major decision and one I am going to have to make soon and just pray it's the best choice.  

Bed Time

I have come to the point in parenting where my mommy skills are being put to the test. 

Let me just start by saying I love my son. He is a very happy boy, easy going, and most of the part very content.

He loves to play, help me do chores, going on rides, and just helping out and putting things away.

However, he highly dispises being told no, and going to bed. 

Michael has never been on a routine sleep schedule. He always went to bed when I did and woke up when I did. When I went to the Hosp. to give birth to Shelby my husbands parents had gotten Michael on a 10pm sleep sced. Up until a few nights ago this 10pm had been my saving grace. 

Now we are in a tooth and nail battle for bed time. It's nothing but screams, and cries, and throwing himself against the wall(literally).

I AM AT WITS END

Part of me wants to cradle him and sooth him and well let him have his way. The other part of me wants me to keep my foot grounded and let him cry himself to sleep. I have a dilemma with that however. It's hurts my heart for one and two I live in a triplex and Michael's room in located next to my neighbor's room. When he screams, jumps,& hits the wall; they hear it. Twice, they have come to the front door asking us to quiet him down. We changed his room around to where his bed is on the opposite wall but it doesn't help with the pounding and jumping. 

Last night was absolutely terrible. For two hours Michael screamed non stop. I couldn't keep him in his room in fear of bothering my neighbors so he came into bed with me and he just continued to scream. He crawled on top of Shelby which got her upset so then I had TWO screaming kids. I didn't know what to do. I called my Husband in tears at midnight and every time I tried to talk to him, Michael would just scream even louder. I ended up putting Shelby in the play pin and just holding Michael. He finally took big deep breath and starting running his fingers through my hair, eventually falling asleep, as did I. 

This may sound like I am a terrible mom, I don't know. I just didn't know what to do. I had no patience and because of that I was not capable of trying to understand why he was so upset. 

It may have been because he was hungry, or because he is getting teeth. I can't tell because he doesn't like to open his mouth and when I try doing finger swabs he bites down. 

I just prayed last night that the lord please give me the patience I need to be a good mom and to be more understanding.

Thankfully my husband was home tonight when Michael started screaming. It took about 40mins but he was able to get him to quiet down and fall asleep; giving me a breather. 

Too Cute

Shelby's New Head Band

& Michael wearing Shelby's new headband

(He put this on himself)

I don't know if Michael is jealous, I really don't think he is. But he is doing everything Shelby does. If she has a paci he tries to suck on a paci(which he has not used since he was 4 months old). He also tries to drink out of the bottle (broken of that since 11months). He also tries to test the temp of the formula by squirting it onto his wrist. He sits in her bouncer, he climbs into her Jumper, sits in her swing, and loves being in the play pin. I don't get it but he gets a kick out of doing it all. 

M&M

My aunt M&M(Mary Margaret), Uncle Robert, and Cousin Sacha came up from Palo Alto, CA over the weekend for a visit. What prompted this was my cousin's friend was getting married in forest grove so my aunt and uncle decided to accompany her on the trip and make it a visit and oh am I glad they did. I hadn't seen my aunt or uncle since I got married. I don't think I have seen my cousin since I was a little girl, it literally had been years. On Friday we had a BBQ at my place and visited. They got to see Michael at his best, ALL OVER the place. They saw what my mom always describes to them. Saturday we didn't see them because of the wedding. On Sunday they stopped by for a quick visit. We had set up Shelby's bouncer and Michael was playing with it and kept spinning this toy that made so much noise. My uncle said to encourage him to play with it, and that way he would do it less and less. We all laughed at this and tried but he was so into this NEW thing. My mom and them were going out for dinner Sunday night and I was totally bummed I couldn't join them. My husband asked if I could go and I said I can't, we have the kids. Then he said it again, No, DO YOU WANT TO GO? I was shocked. I asked him, "Really?" He said yes, I will stay home with the kids, you go and visit with your family. Oh I was so excited. My mom and relatives were so excited too.

My mom picked me up and then we went to the B&B they were staying at downtown Vancouver. Let me tell you, a diamond in the ruff. It was the cutest place and a nice home away from home. It isn't kid friendly, no one under 12. There is lots of breakables. If you like the older historic home feel, that's the place to go. I loved it. 

We went to a brewery that my cousins friend had suggested in Portland and when we got there it was dead. My uncle said if we would have gone in we probably would have felt the life being sucked out from us. My mom suggested this place called the Kennedy School. She said she drives by it all the time and has heard great things about it. So we went there and oh what fun. It was a converted school. You could walk the halls and go from bar to bar, or restaurant. They have a movie theater and a hotel with a pool. So neat. The food was so yummy. The best part of it was being with my family and LAUGHING. It was so much fun. 

Oops

Oops 

UNDERSTATEMENT

Last Friday I thought I would test out my hair clippin skills on Michael. His hair was long around his ears and the back of the neck. I thought it can't be that hard, it's just a trim. Eh WRONG. I trimmed it but managed to make a complete straight edge and it looked AWFUL. My husband said it wasn't bad at all but my mind was made up, it was bad and it needed to be fixed. The next day I took him to get his hair cut by a professional. I asked them to please fix it but not to make him bald. She asked if they should go with a one and I said well I think that might be too short so they went with a 2. She took a huge swipe with the 2 and my heart sunk. OH IT WAS SOOOO SHORT. Too short for my liking. But she had already removed a large portion so it was too late. She continued to cut my sons beautiful hair to near nothing. I hate it. I hate it being so short. His eyelashes are now longer than his hair. UGH, why did I DO THAT! Thank goodness hair grows back and in time he will have his hair long again.

M.O.M.S

M.O.M.S

Moms Offering Moms Support

Today was my first day attending MOMS and I am so glad I made myself go. Last week was the first day but the group starts at 9:30am and well, we slept in. Today I slept in as well. I was going to roll over and say whatever it's to late I'm going back to sleep but instead I hoped out of bed and was in speed mode and I am so glad I was.

I am so dependant on my husband. I hate doing anything or going anywhere without him, and since he is gone almost all week, I hardly do anything or go anywhere by myself. I also have HUGE issues meeting new people. HUGE issues about my body and people's judgements. I am absolutely terrified of being put on the spot. Being the person everyone stares at. This is why I stay home, this is why I don't like meeting people. but this is why I HAVE TO

MICHAEL AND SHELBY

I have two beautiful children that deserve everything that life has to offer and that means going places and meeting people and not being afraid or shy. Looking up to their mom and seeing a strong confidant person. I am working on that, and MOMS is a step in the right direction.

I dropped Michael off in the age appropriate kid zone area and took Shelby to where all the mommies were meeting. I was late but they hadn't started yet but EVERYONE was seated so I was kinda put on the spot trying to find a place to be seated. That had my anxiety shooting through the roof and I started to sweat, bad. I shut down. The women at my table said hello and I gave quick answers not trying to start at convo at all. There were a couple of speakers and I kept thinking to myself, I can relate to what they are saying but this is not for me, I shouldn't be here, I should leave NOW. But, I stayed, I continued to listen, and then I felt myself  opening up. A topic about personality traits really sparked my interest and I felt myself relax as I could hear other moms saying what personality trait they were. 

Our personalities were compared to Pooh, Tigger, Rabbit, and Eeyore. 

Pooh was very loving and kind and everyones friend

Tigger was very bouncy, playful and usually the one oblivious to his surroundings

Rabbit was the very held back, conscious, stick your schedule type

and Eeyore was the type to have his feelings hurt, very VERY easily and always has the feeling of why me?

Guess who I am?

Eeyore

Not because I filled out a survey or because other moms felt that way about me. It's who I am. I take everything so serious. Take things so seriously and often let it go way too deep. My feelings get hurt so often. 

They were comparing all of these personalities with Facebook. How all these personalities perceive things on FB.

Mine couldn't have been anymore true. I find myself getting upset A LOT when I don't get feedback on my photos or things I say. I feel like I am forgotten about, or that people just don't care. I know most of the time that isn't the case, but it's just me and how I take things.

That is why I was so nervous about being in such a large crowd. I just like being in small groups. Well good news. After the two speakers were done I learned it was time to split up into our rooms. The table I was at went into a room where it was just myself and 8 other girls and it was wonderful. We had a discussion topic on friends and each one of us shared. My voice usually gets really shaky when I talk aloud in a group, but today it didn't. I was so proud of myself. I think it's because we were all there, and we all had something in common, we are all moms. I don't have confidence in myself but I do have that in my kids 110%. I didn't feel like I was doing things right for a long time in the beginning but I am proud of my parenting. So speaking based on being on mommy, I spoke with confidence and I felt SOOOO good. 

The group of girls I was placed with are very nice and I am looking forward to spending time with them and getting to know them. 

Also Michael loves playtime but today and after church let out the last couple weeks, Michael starts to cry as soon as he sees the parents coming. I am not sure if he just wants me, or if it's because he's having fun and doesn't want to leave. Hopefully I can figure out what is getting him upset so we can prevent this from happening in the future. 

I did it

I did it

&

I SURVIVED

I am talking about a trip to the zoo

BY MYSELF

with

2 KIDS

It was the perfect day to go too

Not hot at all, nice overcast

and hardly any people

It was so nice going to each exhibit and being the only ones there or there might be one other family

and for the first time in a long time I was able to hear the animals

It usually is so loud with all the people

it was nice hearing the elephants make noises with their trunks and hear the monkeys call out. 

Michael was so good and didn't mind sitting down while touring the zoo. I love our double stroller that allows Michael to be up front and able to see everything. We had a good time and Michael was so much more into it than he had been in the past. He loved seeing the fish, that was his favorite (I am thinking a trip to the Oregon coast aquarium might be in the near future). He was so interested in almost all the animals and would practically break his neck looking in the exhibits for the animals that he couldn't see right away. 

Shelby slept almost the entire time. Waking up only once to eat and that was when we were halfway through and it was time for Michael and I to take a break anyway. She is such a good little girl and a very sleepy baby (Michael was the same way at her age) 

This creeped me out. We were looking at all the fish when I noticed this head with orange eyes just hovering above the water. CREEPY. Haha. 

Sorry about the flash but click the pic to enlarge 

Michael liked this little guy or gal? It was laying in a corner right next to the window and just watched Michael  as he pointed. He kept say tabby (she is our orange cat at home). 

Mama's Instinct

Recently I switched Shelby from regular formula to a formula for lactose sensitivity. The reason I made this switch is because pretty much since we brought Shelby home, she had watery stools in every diaper. There was no little white pebbles, no nothing, just colored liquid. She had also been very fussy during feeding, and always gassy afterwards. I just had this feeling deep in my gut that her little tummy wasn't handling this type of formula so I went with my mama instinct and made the switch. Its now been two weeks and my little girl is now going #2 every other day and its a good soft texture with the little white pebbles. She also is eating much more and not having so much trouble getting the formula down. Since the switch she has also started sleeping through the night. I am happy that she is doing better and that I went with my gut maternal instinct. 

Look at all that hair

My sweet little Shelby's hair is growing so fast. She was born with so much hair and it thinned out a little but she still had quite a bit of hair. These past few weeks I have noticed it getting longer and thicker. I am also noticing changes in her hair. Her hair will dry super curly, then be stick straight, then go to wavy with volume. Who knows what this girls hair is going to be like when it gets longer! 

*Side note: The doctor encouraged me to comb her hair while I was giving her a bath. It would help stimulate hair growth and also help prevent cradle cap. So far, it has accomplished both :)

Happy Girl