Emotions Run Deep

Today I attended my weekly MOMS group. 

I was super excited to go since I hadn't been in a month due to the little ones being sick.

I was greeted with smiles 

I dropped Michael off in the kidzone and he took off running, no crying, he was so eager to play

When MOMS started today the room was full of laughter and smiles

Then the speaker began to tell her story and instantly the room was no longer happy

We were listening to a story filled with so much pain that many of us were fighting back tears.

My stomach had a knot feeling after our speaker was finished 

Then about 15 girls walked across the stage 

1 at a time

Each holding a cardboard sign

Each sign confessing abuse, rape, depression, infertility, etc.

On the back confessing truth, hope, faith, light, freedom, heeling, and wisdom that god has granted them

Each sign was so powerful in so little words

I couldn't fight the tears

I felt so blessed to be a part of something so powerful

To witness these brave women confess their past in front of a group of women that most of them hardly know

Each table group went to their separate rooms after for discussion time

The discussion questions were very intense

One related to the speaker and what her story and point of story were about

One asked if we felt like God loved us for who and how we are, flaws and all.

The one that really hit me hard was when we felt God helped guide us through, or come out of a difficult trials or traumatic times

I related this to when my parents split up

I guess I had been living with fog goggles on cause I thought our family was perfect and happy

after my parents split, my mom left

there were a lot of anger and lies

my dad was so hurt as was I

and I blamed myself for a long time

at 16 I went on a self destructive path

I partied hard, did a lot of stupid things I shouldn't have, and am so lucky nothing bad ever happened because of my behavior

Then at 20 I was introduced to Sean, my husband

I was calming down with all my craziness but it was still there

Sean became a part of that craziness, but the unexpected happened

He started pulling me in the right direction. 

And when I started pushing, He buried his feet. He was there to stay and he wasn't going anywhere

I had so much foundation growing up and when it was gone in an instant, and how much pain that gave me, I never EVER wanted to feel that pain ever again

That's why I pushed

but I truly feel deep in my heart that Sean was my gift. Gods way of telling me to slow down. That it's time to be happy again.

Expressing little detail to my moms group about my parents separation stirred up emotion in me that I didn't know still existed. 

I was fighting the tears. I didn't want to lose control.

but in the car the knot got tighter and the pain deepened and so I cried

I didn't know why I was crying, I didn't know what I was feeling

all I knew was that my emotions were stronger than ever

When I finally called Sean to talk to him about it he asked me why I was crying. I told him I didn't know but when I discussed my parents I began to cry again.

I guess I felt like I was over what had happened. I had moved on.

But discussing it with girls I hardly know opened that door back up, and released feelings I thought didn't exist. 

I guess I am still hurt, and still angry, and still sad

because I never dealt with my emotions

I hid them and did everything I could to numb them

I can't believe in just two short hours, this all came out of me, but I am glad it did. I know I need to start healing, properly, and continue moving forward. 

Lots-O-Coos

Are you done yet?

Are you done yet?

Meaning are you done having kids yet

This question has been brought up many many times by doctors, friends, family and between us

"You have one of each, your good, you should be done"

Is a common response why we shouldn't have anymore

Well truth is I really don't know if we are done yet.

I want to say yes but then there is a HUGE part of me that says no

The part that says yes is telling my mind that I didn't think I would have children in the first place, now I have been giving TWO, so be happy with what I have and be done.

The no part of me is the feeling I have of not being complete yet.

It's a 50/50

Shelby was not planned AT ALL. I cried and cried when I found out I was pregnant with her. The only people that were excited were my husband and friend Cresap.

After Michael my husband and I planned on having more kids someday, but further down the road. 

I wanted to loose weight badly, I did not want to put my body through another high risk pregnancy just because of my weight.

I wanted to be financially stable and in a bigger place.

BUT

God had other plans for me. 

Now that Shelby is here I am thrilled that she is a part of our family. I could not imagine us without her. She is the perfect little "Diva" addition.

With that being said, if we were to have anymore I am going to do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again until WE are ready. I am thinking 5 years minimum waiting period.

Here on some people I know/watch and their reasons for being done, or having more

My friend Cresap has two children of her own and her boyfriend 3. So between them 5. They are done having kids

My friend Nikki has 2 children. They would love a 3rd but financially they are comfortable and bringing a 3rd into this world would be tight

My parents had just the two of us. My brother being an extremely difficult baby pulled the plug on thoughts of having any more for them.

Everybody has their own reasons for having one, two, three or more children and everyone has their reasons for only having one or two, maybe none at all.

Another example would be the reality family of the Duggars. They are now on the road to having 20 children. They believe it is in gods hands when they will be finished having children.

*and just for fun*

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar's oldest son

 Josh was married to Anna on 

September 26, 2008

My husband and I were married August 09, 2008

Josh and Anna welcomed their first Child on

October 8, 2009, a girl

My husband and I welcomed our first child on

October 14, 2009, a boy named Michael James

Josh and Anna welcomed their second child on 

June 15, 2011 a boy named Michael James

My husband and I welcomed our second child on

June 29, 2011, a girl

I know it's silly but I also think it's interesting

Thoughts

I don't know how many times I have posted about wanting to leave this drafty lil apartment of ours but here is yet another one to add to the books. There are two adults and two children living in this tiny 2 bedroom apartment. Including 1 large dog and 2 cats. It only has one bathroom that literally is only big enough for one person; big or small(sink on left, toilet straight ahead, and bathtub/shower on the right). I am over this. I am over that our home is so old that we have to make sure the a/c or heater is plugged in through the kitchen because the whole home is almost entirely wired on one single circuit and the fuse pops almost all the time! I am over my husband having to use his precious time home to tend to a yard we share with our neighbors, which includes picking up their 2 dogs droppings. 

I would love to have an updated home. Someplace I don't have to worry about the sockets being loose. 

But I do need to say this, because I posted on F/B a few days ago where I need to try and have more glass half full kinda moments, well here it is

I am truly grateful we have a place to live

I am thankful we have two rooms

I am thankful we have a yard, that our dog and son can play in

I am thankful we have a laundry room

I am thankful we have a dishwasher

I am thankful that this was the first place that my husband and I have called HOME

I am blessed that we brought two children into this world from this home

Well I think we have a game plan now. Far to often my husband and I have discussed moving to Ohio. I think it's time we put those plans in motion. 

As you know my husband is a truck driver. Living in Ohio would open the doors greatly in the trucking world.  And on top of that, it would allow my husband and brother to drive together as a team. The other plus side of that would be living close to my dad. I would have tremendous support with the kids and wouldn't be so lonely while my husband is away. I would also be able to go to school or work and have childcare. I am also contemplating just living with my dad for a little bit. That way I wouldn't have to pay rent on a home, except some bills I would be taking over at my dads. We would also be able to save up money and pay off our debts and then finally save money to use as a down payment for a home to call our own. 

Also another upside to this would being near my father as support as he was just diagnosed with skin cancer. He had a spot on his back that they were able to remove, non surgical. But there is a  spot on the tip of his nose that requires surgery. They are going to remove a layer at a time and biopsy each layer until they find it to by non cancerous. I am hoping that they do not have to go to deep and I am also praying that this be a controllable cancer. 

These are all just thoughts, random. But I am hoping that we are able to put these thoughts to concrete. That's all for now

WHY!?!?

Things just seem to get harder when my husband leaves for ones of his trips

Don't get me wrong though, I am very thankful he works as hard as he does so I can stay home with the kiddos, but it isn't easy and sometimes I just gotta get it off my chest

Today for instance:

Michael woke up shortly after my husband left so about 730 ish. This is after a long night of pulling teeth trying to get him to go to bed, so I was running on empty.

He usually will come into my bed and sit there until Shelby and I get up but oh no, he decided he was going to run loose in the house and get into EVERYTHING.

Well I got up and made us breakfast and then went and woke Shell's up and got her ready and fed. 

Things were smooth sailing for a while.

 Michael ran and played and then took a nice long nap before 3 which excited me (I THOUGHT since he took such a long nap before 3 he would be EXHAUSTED by bed time, HA)

Bed time came and went and he screamed bloody murder. I finally threw my hands up and allowed him to sit in the living room in the chair and watch cars. It was quiet time and he had to sit still.

Yep that lasted about 15 minutes

He was up and down, back and forth into the Kitchen

with me snapping at him to go sit back down

and then the cat decided she was going to join in on these lovely evening festivities

She jumped onto the Entertainment center and hacked up her meal all down the backside of the EC

So then I had to move everything around to get to the mess, get that wiped up and sanitized and then vacuumed, meanwhile Michael is turning the vacuum on and off and when it's on he started jumping around screaming with excitement

THAT'S IT

I got my stern voice and Michael was in bed. It's so hard for me to be that stern but that is how my husband is and Michael listens to him, and it usually only takes my Husband once to tell Michael to do something.

Ugh

It has just been a day of ups and downs, dealing with all the craziness while trying to get myself and these two children better. 

Playtime with Shelby

Just Us, Picture Blog

My feel better soon flowers

The kids with their daddy

The kids and I

My happy girl

My sleepy boy 

This is Michael when he was not feeling to good

Michael asleep in his daddy's lap

to pierce or not to pierce

Lately more and more people have been asking us if we are going to pierce Shelby's ears

She is 4 months old, and the later we wait the harder it will be

I love earrings on little babies & want to pierce her ears, and Sean is all for it

Here are the things that are preventing me from doing it

1) The thought of her when she is older asking us "Why didn't you wait to give me the choice?"

 &

2) I am allergic to copper, silver, anything not GOLD pretty much. I am worried that I may have passed that to Shelby and don't want to put her through that process if she is going to have a reaction. I also know that I can have her ears pierced with 14k earrings which would prevent the reaction if she were to have one. 

So here I am at a crossroads

I think I am going to eventually, maybe by Christmas

I do know that if I were to wait until she made the choice herself I would be more than willing to let her do it. My mother hated the thought of having wholes in the body and would not let my get my ears done until I was 16, thus bringing me to want to get my daughters done soon. 

Halloween 2011

We reused Michael's costume from last year. He never went out last year, and the outfit still fit him so why not reuse it? He was a lion and Shelby was some sort of pink leopard/cat. 

We started our eve at 4:30. We went to our next door neighbors and Michael did his very first trick or treat. He of coarse did not understand and wanted to keep taking candy. HA. I put out a bowl of candy and turned on our lights, turned the lights on in the pumpkins and drove to my moms. Michael got to treat or treat at my moms and she gave him glow bracelets which he loved. After that we headed out to washougal to see our friends, Shawna, Erik, and their son Gabriel. Mike and Gabriel played while we waited for Shawna's sister Nikki, her husband Kon, and their kids, Paris and Alexa to arrive. 

The kids (L-R, Gabriel 2, Alexa 5, Shelby 4 months, Paris 10, and Michael 2)

We then drove out to lacamas lake and did our trick or treating there. The neighborhood was really nice and a lot of the homes decorated for the big night. A few had really outdone themselves.

Paris and I

While we were approaching one home this kid came out and started dancing in the street. He had a robot face, gold stretch pants, and was spray painted gold. I knew right away it was one of the dancers from the group LMFAO. The kid had a friends holding a boombox blasting music so he could dance, and he wasn't that bad. He put on a good show.

We stayed out for over and hour. I had felt Shelby's hands and 

they were ice cold so we headed back to the cars. We then went back to Shawna's and finished the night off with pizza and hocus pocus while the kids all played. It was a great way to spend the Holiday and was a great day.  

My favorite

Check Ups

Today Shelby and Michael both had their well child check up's

here are the stats: 

Michael

95% height

73% Weight

Shelby

12 lbs 5oz 

25% height

Michael is very tall for his age and Shelby is very petite 

The doc thought it was funny that Michael was and is so much bigger than Shelby.

Both of the kids got shots; Michael only one and Shelby had 2(one in each leg) and 1 drinkable dose. 

I was not happy with how Shelby's shots were handled. I had both kids with me and both are not feeling well so I as a mom wanted to hold my daughter while she got her shots. The nurse wouldn't allow me, she insisted I lay her on the table. Then she went to do her leg shots first and I asked her to do the oral first and she replied that she did the legs first and then the oral. I knew what would happen and sure enough it did. She poked Shelby in both leg and my poor sick girl was screaming and crying and then had a syringe lodged in her mouth with liquid being forced into her mouth while the nurse's other hand was massaging her neck trying to get her to drink the fluid. I was livid. It's too late now but these are my kids and I can't let people walk over me just because they have a degree. Had she done the oral dose first my baby would have happily sucked that fluid down, no problem.