Lately I have been feeling very down. I haven't felt happy at all. Nothing makes me smile, and when I do, it's almost like an automatic response. That's what my brain says to do so that's what I do. Nothing has felt gratifying. Nothing has felt right. I have felt the urge to fly away, to run, to get out. I have wanted nothing more than to shut people out, stop talking to EVERYONE. I have fought off urges to turn off my phone, unplug the house phone, close the curtains and lock the door. At home I am on auto pilot. I do what is normal for me and that's about it. Haven't done much of anything else besides have meltdowns. I either get really angry or get really sad, either of which comes with many tears. Crying is my #1 emotion and that comes with every feeling I have.
My 3 year wedding anniversary was on Tuesday August 9, 2011 and my family and I went to the fair. The day my Husband and I married, we went to the fair and have gone every year since. I woke up feeling excited to go but when time came to go I could feel the feeling rush over me of staying put and not wanting to go and that feeling kept getting heavier and heavier. When we got to the fair I was dragging. I was moving so slow and just wasn't enjoying myself. Conversation was not to be had with me at all. I tried to put on a happy face for my son so he could enjoy the crowds, the sights, the animals, the fun! He had a good time which I am happy for but I on the other hand did not. I felt terrible that I made our 3 year anniversary a bad one. I just cried all the way home.
My husband left the next day for Seattle and I felt that the time away from each other might be good but then I couldn't fight the feeling that we needed to be together, I needed to be with him. The thought of taking off over whelmed me and by that evening I finally got the courage to pack up the kids and hit the open road. Driving to Seattle excited me. The thought of leaving town, surprising my husband, enjoying the quiet time, the views, everything brought peace to me. I finally was happy, just like that. I got to Seattle and my husband was so surprised and so happy to have us there with him. On Thursday we went to pikes place and walked around, which I totally loved. Seeing all the different things, and different people made me happy. On Friday we woke up early, and had breakfast and headed home. When I got home, I didn't get sad. The thought of "Home sweet reality" crossed my mind but then the thoughts of what else can we do today came about. I called my aunt and made plans for Sunday and then got to cleaning the house.
I also sat down to blog and that's when relief hit. Blogging, long or short blogs felt good. It felt like an outlet. I have been blogging for almost 2 years here and there, but never this many blogs in such short time, and man does it feel good. I need to let go of things, good or bad, and really express how I FEEL. I let people get the best of me and this blog I need to be that outlet, the thing I can speak my mind. I am excited. I have so many things that I want to blog about myself, my family, & just life. I am hoping that this "outlet" continues to be just that for my feelings of being down and blue.
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