Emotions Run Deep

Today I attended my weekly MOMS group. 

I was super excited to go since I hadn't been in a month due to the little ones being sick.

I was greeted with smiles 

I dropped Michael off in the kidzone and he took off running, no crying, he was so eager to play

When MOMS started today the room was full of laughter and smiles

Then the speaker began to tell her story and instantly the room was no longer happy

We were listening to a story filled with so much pain that many of us were fighting back tears.

My stomach had a knot feeling after our speaker was finished 

Then about 15 girls walked across the stage 

1 at a time

Each holding a cardboard sign

Each sign confessing abuse, rape, depression, infertility, etc.

On the back confessing truth, hope, faith, light, freedom, heeling, and wisdom that god has granted them

Each sign was so powerful in so little words

I couldn't fight the tears

I felt so blessed to be a part of something so powerful

To witness these brave women confess their past in front of a group of women that most of them hardly know

Each table group went to their separate rooms after for discussion time

The discussion questions were very intense

One related to the speaker and what her story and point of story were about

One asked if we felt like God loved us for who and how we are, flaws and all.

The one that really hit me hard was when we felt God helped guide us through, or come out of a difficult trials or traumatic times

I related this to when my parents split up

I guess I had been living with fog goggles on cause I thought our family was perfect and happy

after my parents split, my mom left

there were a lot of anger and lies

my dad was so hurt as was I

and I blamed myself for a long time

at 16 I went on a self destructive path

I partied hard, did a lot of stupid things I shouldn't have, and am so lucky nothing bad ever happened because of my behavior

Then at 20 I was introduced to Sean, my husband

I was calming down with all my craziness but it was still there

Sean became a part of that craziness, but the unexpected happened

He started pulling me in the right direction. 

And when I started pushing, He buried his feet. He was there to stay and he wasn't going anywhere

I had so much foundation growing up and when it was gone in an instant, and how much pain that gave me, I never EVER wanted to feel that pain ever again

That's why I pushed

but I truly feel deep in my heart that Sean was my gift. Gods way of telling me to slow down. That it's time to be happy again.

Expressing little detail to my moms group about my parents separation stirred up emotion in me that I didn't know still existed. 

I was fighting the tears. I didn't want to lose control.

but in the car the knot got tighter and the pain deepened and so I cried

I didn't know why I was crying, I didn't know what I was feeling

all I knew was that my emotions were stronger than ever

When I finally called Sean to talk to him about it he asked me why I was crying. I told him I didn't know but when I discussed my parents I began to cry again.

I guess I felt like I was over what had happened. I had moved on.

But discussing it with girls I hardly know opened that door back up, and released feelings I thought didn't exist. 

I guess I am still hurt, and still angry, and still sad

because I never dealt with my emotions

I hid them and did everything I could to numb them

I can't believe in just two short hours, this all came out of me, but I am glad it did. I know I need to start healing, properly, and continue moving forward.